After almost two months of being not quite sick, the cold has won and is rearin to go somethin fierce.

I’m sick. ::white flag::

That is all.

When I sat down to write, I had no idea what to say. I’ve erased and rewritten the beginnings of this numerous times. If computer screens were like paper, this portion would be worn thin and ready to sew together into some kind of garment. Do you remember making binder paper into “cloth” in grade school? If you crumple it up and rub it together long enough, the fibers turn soft and drape like fabric.

::Shrug::

Through the contorted lens of a three-day migraine, I’ve decided to take a break from my journey from Point A to Point B. I generally live my life with Productivity in mind, whether real or imagined. Point B constantly moves around, making it harder to pick a route to get there, and sometimes it gets lost in the fog and I just continue blindly, hoping I am still pushing forward in a straight line when in reality I am probably circling back on myself.

::Shrug::

I’ve recently had the piss taken out of me on two occasions for books that I was delving into during my lunch hour at work. One on studies of diet and its effects on diseases of affluence. The second on investing. Apparently, according to the rest of the world, my leisure reading is mind-numbingly boring. What can I say? I generally prefer non-fiction to fiction, filing away the articles I’ve read on canning and building your own computer and gardening and caring for a dog and buying a house and programming languages and outdoor survival in the Time Spent Being Productive category, when the truth is that most of what I’ve learned I’ve already forgotten by now. And of that which I haven’t forgotten, only a small percentage will ever actually be put to use.

::Shrug::

The ironic beauty of the migraine plight is that when it goes on for long enough, it exhausts me up against a wall upon which I can no longer worry about the build-up of little things. The errands I didn’t run, the phone calls I didn’t return, the budget I didn’t fill out, the reservations I didn’t make, the emails piling up in my inbox, the homework for sound class, the blog post for the website, finding that new plugin to stop all the damn spam comments, starting the other site…

::Shrug::

So, for this microscopic moment I have given up on all of that.

I just went to see Charlie Kaufman’s new film. I adore him, but his new film paints one of the most unrelentingly downcast moods I’ve seen on film in a long time. It is not desperately sad, but rather quite comfortable in its depressed mood. That being said, the story is in true Kaufman style, folding back on itself infinite times and meta-referencing its own constructs like a hall of mirrors.

For this microscopic moment, I have picked up Cat’s Cradle which has been sitting on a shelf waiting to be read for quite some time. I also adore Vonnegut. And the truths it is trying to convey are whispering to me by way of echoing the Kaufman film. A common line is drawing itself between the two, and implying a desire to be drawn everywhere else as well.

::Shrug::

Reading Cat’s Cradle naturally reminds me that Slaughterhouse Five is probably my favorite book. It is probably my favorite book for a lot of reasons, but the main reason is that, with three simple words, Vonnegut managed to set forth a life philosophy that I strive to embody (but mostly fall flat in reaching). So it goes. And in saying this he writes off everything he can’t control, lets go, and moves on. So it goes.

For someone (myself) who has spent so much of her life in the arts and who wholeheartedly believes in its importance, it is funny how often I forget that sometimes the best way to get to B is on the sideways, seemingly meandering artsy path. And funnier still that sometimes it takes a horrible headache to exhaust the left side of my brain enough to remember.

::Shrug:: So it goes.

Just by way of balancing against last week’s rants, I have to mention how glorious it is that the days are starting to lengthen. How can you be in a bad mood when, for the first time in months, there is still light when walking home after work?

Alas, the cold and rain have returned, but until yesterday we had had a good run of stroll-amenable weather

Spring is trying to rear its head…

You know that tough love grandma who doesn’t take no crap and, whenever you complain, reminds you that when she was a little girl, everything was longer, harder, and stronger? And not in a good way. In the way where she’s calling you a chump.

That’s how I feel this week. Minus the clout derived from a childhood spent in the midst of the Depression.
::shrug::
So why don’t we give ‘er one last go here – one last chance to show my 87-at-heart colors. We’ll call this the self-righteous week, and then we’ll move on come Monday…

One Value

This weekend, the boy and I got into a discussion about whom out of a couple acquaintances should take responsibility in a situation I won’t bore you with and which is irrelevant to my ultimate point. What IS relevant is that I got very heated in this debate.

I have very strong feelings on the topic of personal responsibility. I am not proud to admit that I often judge people based on this piece of criteria, but my opinions stem from a code of conduct I set for myself at an early age. I have always had very strict parameters for the behavior I considered acceptable (perhaps too strict at times). Of course, I was a normal kid and gave my parents a good dose of grief, but all in all I would say I was pretty self-regulatory. Ask them – maybe I’m full of hot air – but I doubt it.

And I think the world would be an infinitely better place if more people were better at self-regulating. If more people understood that they are the only ones to be held responsible for their actions.

Awhile back, after spending a lot of time cutting slack for bad behavior due to ‘extenuating circumstances’, it finally dawned on me that life is too short to condone poor behavior. I will never doubt that living a good life after growing up in a dysfunctional and/or abusive home is a tough and uphill battle. No question about it – it’s a tall order. But a lot of people have tall orders to fill and we all carry our own baggage. At the end of the day, once you become an adult, you need to act like one. If your parents beat you when you were a child, they were to blame. But if you grow up and don’t change, you will probably beat your children. And then YOU are to blame. That is the best and most dramatic way to sum up my argument: no matter how hard your life has been, if you don’t take the initiative to change the programming, the cycle continues and the world never improves.

This goes hand-in-hand with living a life of conscious decisions.

Two Value

And it also goes hand-in-hand with the second thing I think this world could use a lot more of:

Gratitude.

Don’t bullshit yourself – if you are reading this, there is no doubt that compared to most humans you are infinitely, infinitely privileged. And if you just lost your job, or your wallet, or your child, or your leg, then I am truly sorry. But there are a slew of people who have it worse. You can ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS find something to appreciate. Life is all about perspective, and the better you are at realizing what you have to be grateful for, the happier you will be. This doesn’t mean you don’t have bad days or you can’t get mad or sad. It just means that you know that at the end of the day, you’ve got something going for you.

Take these two things to heart: personal responsibility, and gratitude. They will improve your life, the lives of those around you, and if enough people follow suit, the world.

Red Value

This is especially relevant right now in the midst of bailouts and layoffs and foreclosures galore. I am sure there are a group of people suffering from these issues to a degree that deems assistance necessary. But I am equally sure that there is a larger group that does not. Yes, this new economy is making things more difficult and requiring people to change their lifestyles. But those who signed mortgage agreements also need to acknowledge that they signed a contract and there are few fingers to point if they cannot make good on it. People need to understand that if they are in dire financial straits, they should cancel the cable subscription before asking for help. And folks need to stop ‘buying’ more house than they need or, apparently, can afford.

I cannot remember where, but I recently read accounts of two different people receiving modest unemployment assistance from the government. One woman, raising two children on her own, managed to save several thousand dollars. She explained that she had to put money aside to help her daughter pay for college. In another family, the father of the house used the check to purchase a new flat-screen television. He explained that the family had been through so much and deserved something nice. The former is an example of a woman I have no qualms about supporting, the latter is a man who had good intentions but no sense of responsibility.

Blue Value

Every day people all over are complaining about the government and The Man and the health industry and pointing fingers of blame in all sorts of directions. It’s easy, and we’re all guilty of doing it. God knows my little hippie self can get into a good tizzy about ‘big business’. But I also know deep down that this complaining is futile, and that action is the only way to effect change. I can stand at the shiny doors of big business screaming myself hoarse all I want, but eventually I will leave and some poor kid getting paid minimum wage at best will come out and Windex my handprint off of the glass door so no one will ever know I’ve been there. So what should you do?

• Don’t whine about the healthcare system all day and then turn around and put fast food burgers into your body every night – your own personal habits are more cruel to your body than the system.
• Money is power in this culture. Every dollar you spend is a vote. Buy services of which you approve, cancel services you dislike. If enough people agree, the Bad Guy will go out of business.
• Be like Mark Covington.

The End

In college I had the pleasure of working under our department’s most venerable production manager who gave the same opening speech to the fresh-faced tech crew at every show’s initial rehearsal:

The rehearsal schedule has been passed out. It tells you when you will be here. It is non-negotiable. If it says you are here, you will be. If you are not, it is because you are under a bus, and if you have the misfortune to find yourself under a bus, you will pull out your cell phone and call us so we can find a replacement.

I relish the memory to this day.

She was not unreasonable. Exceptions were made where exceptions were due (and to deserving parties), but she knew that if she gave an inch, we’d take a mile.

I am always refreshed to find people like this who take their commitments to others (and themselves) seriously.

Cheers to the fleet of truly mature individuals out there keeping it real with utterly boring and reliable behavior who understand that we have one brain and two hands (if we are lucky) to make the circumstances we want, naught but a lifetime to do it all, and no time for flaking or whining.

::clink::

There is a(n eerily un)hostile zombie takeover afoot.

Our culture breeds a zombie virus (though to which “our” I refer I am not entirely sure). We are not born with this disease – it is something we contract, usually at an early age, and succumb to quite quickly.

We are wise to the ways of this sickness; most will shake the zombie stupor at least once or twice in a lifetime, often at the middle of her life or when a harrowing event unfolds to shake up the routine. But unfortunately, many will dive right back into the affliction for ease or comfort like a victim of drug dependency.

We laugh at this disease every day in movies and on TV.

We are (at least mildly) aware of the plight, and yet we are complacent about it.

Years and years ago, in a fit of dramatics I wrote:

Spit or Swallow

We’re a generation of swallowers. We slouch, unmoving, with dull and sunken eyes while a black cancer is digested. It traces the path of our veins to the tips of our fingers and toes and embeds itself in our DNA. I wish we could shred the fear we’re fed and then spit it into the dirt.

This past week, long after I started mulling over a post on this topic, we were out to eat with a friend and I stumbled upon the fact that he has recently found himself (like so many others) unemployed. But contrary to the expected tune, he was singing one of how he had rediscovered his life since his time freed up. When employed, he could think of little to do with his (extremely limited) time off; come the weekend, he would be tired and bored, unable to think of a single interesting thing to do. But now that his life is no longer consumed by an occupation that was (apparently) draining him, he has discovered an endless variety of productive things to get excited about and activities to do.

He shook the virus. For him it took a career change (loss).

There is a dearth of forward motion. It is the minority who actually enjoy learning and continue (or begin) to do so at the end of the obligatory stint. Everyone seems content to stay where they are, and I find this inherently dangerous. Stagnancy is my biggest fear – which is why I try to push forward, in one way or another, at all times (and is why my life is not boring). And perhaps that should tell me something; perhaps I am letting my fears get the best of me. Perhaps these hoards of citizens who go to work, come home, relax, and feel no need for stimulation that goes beyond a television and a beer have found the answer to a secret that I haven’t found yet: perhaps they are truly content. Perhaps they have all the fulfillment they need. In which case my attempts to constantly move forward are just a spinning of wheels on a road that goes nowhere.

…?

But I’m not prepared to accept that. Marital infidelities and polls about job dissatisfaction and the number of lawsuits filed indicate otherwise. These are not indications of a truly content society. Disease rates, cosmetic surgeries, and three hundred dollar jeans indicate otherwise.

WAKE. UP.

Claw your way back to conscious and examine who you are, where you live, what you eat, the people you pass every day on the street, what you watch on television, your friends, where you money goes, your relationships, what you read, how you spend your days, how you spend your nights, your dreams and goals, your dissatisfactions, and everything else. Examine it all – pay very close attention and see where the ability to chose your life gets you. It may be more work, but it’s worth it…