[see this if you don't get it]

Ok, first the caveat: I know that there are some places for which this is an everyday occurrence. I know. And you’re totally hardcore if you come from one of those places. I bow to you.

Moving right along…

I was house-sitting this past week for a coworker. The clouds were threatening on Saturday, but we hit a nice patch of weather. As I prepared some food in the kitchen, I watched a crew of black birds with bright yellow beaks fly in unison down to the lawn, then back up to the tree, then back down to the lawn, over and over like they were practicing some synchronized diving techniques. I was going to take the dog to the park because it looked so nice, but as I got everything ready to go, it started to sprinkle and it looked like it was going to only get worse and I was going to just end up with a very muddy dog in a very new car.

This house has a “media room” with a hee-ooj screen and projector so you can watch stuff BIG. The Matrix was on TV so I settled into for a refresher course. At one point I heard some rumbles, and I thought it was just some pirate space ship -y sound effects coming from the movie, but after a few more and then a flash from the sliver of daylight peeking in through the crack of the door to the room, I realized it was thunder and lightning. Not entirely expected, but some mean clouds had been around all morning, and what’cha gonna do, right? The dog curled up next to me, we hunkered down, and I was reabsorbed in the movie when

BAM! BAM!

two big crashes came from some other part of the house. I walked into the living room, with its big unobstructed sliding glass doors and it was MAYHEM outside. Lawn furniture dragging itself across the deck in gale force winds, trees bent sideways, zero birds to be seen, and so much hail falling in buckets that I was waiting for the frogs to start falling with it.

My jaw dropped open and I stood there for a second before noticing that the big crashes had come from wind blowing down the gas fireplace chimney with such force that the glass door had been pushed open and knocked over two large framed photographs. I righted them and returned to continue watching the movie.

It’s not three minutes later, and I hear a neighbor mowing his lawn.

Huh?

I peek back outside and the birds are once again practicing their routine and chirping away. The sun is shining and the puddles of hail on the hot tub cover haven’t even melted yet. Just like that. Back to normal.

I return to the media room.

Five minutes later, the Emergency Broadcasting Service hijacks the cable box and warns of foul weather afoot.

As said coworker would say, “Double-you, tee, eff, Man, double-you, tee, eff.”

**Please note that no brain cell-ly, linguistically, nor socio-economically disadvantaged folk were made fun of in the making of this post. All horrifying maligners of the English language were afforded every opportunity to know better, save, apparently, the ability to give a damn.**

I know I mentioned these already, but just humor me while I give them their very own post.

Way back when I first started this blog while on a trip to the UK, at the request of a coworker, I recorded a few British-isms. Here’s another installment, though this time cataloging a vernacular with a slightly different timbre.

Sample paragraph: After I found out that I pasted the class that I had accidentally in-roled in at the beginning of this semester, I decided to grab a drink to celebrate. Unfortunately, I got carded at the door and must have accidentally left my real listens at home, because I could only find the fack that I forgot to take out of my wallet when I turned twenty-one last Disember. Hofuly the door guy didn’t notice.

I even once read a contract that said, “hence fourth”. Seriously. What does that even mean? What if God had said to “Go fourth and multiply.” Would that mean you can only knock her up if you line three volunteers up to go before? Sloppy second…err…thir…umm…fourths? Gross.

::sighs and shakes head sadly as spectacle chain sways back and forth:: People, people.